


Soliloquies For the Dearly Departed

by chewysugar



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cemetery, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Kennedy Bashing, Loss, season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 03:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10800897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chewysugar/pseuds/chewysugar
Summary: The Scoobies are mourning Tara in their own way. Her grave provides the illusion of communication, but they don't know that she's actually listening.





	1. Grave

On a plot of land in Sunnydale’s overcrowded cemetery, one will find a grave that, upon first glance, is like any other. It’s a smooth edifice of polished white marble, set against green, green grass. The palm and ash trees around it cast a perpetual shade upon its surface, keeping it sheltered from the rain and the scorching Southern California heat.

In a place like Sunnydale, grave markers are almost an industry in and of themselves, even when the people they were made in honor of don’t stay buried.

There is no chance that the deceased marked by this headstone will claw her way out of the grave. She is at rest, and there she will and must always stay.

Yet this unremarkable grave, like so many others, is visited with reverence. Her visitors stop and stare at the surface, as if speaking face to face with the woman below it. In time, her grave will be one of many that sinks into the earth after Sunnydale is completely and utterly destroyed. But for now, it’s a place of memory, grief and refuge. 

She was Tara Maclay, and she was, and still is, loved and missed.


	2. Spike

****Hey bird.

Christ, this is a sight, isn’t it? Good thing it’s been quiet on the western front out here lately. Any of the oogie-boogies saw me doing this they’d probably piss themselves alive. Hell, if anyone saw me…

Maybe not.

Ah, probably not.

They’re good people. Not that I’m going to go telling that on the mountain, mind you. Although sometimes I wonder if they’re really good as all that. Seems like good people don’t last that long around here. ‘Specially you.

I’ll never forget that day. When Joyce—look, see? Another good egg cracked by this mortal coil. Not fair. Not fair at all, and I can’t say I blame Red at all for going off her rocker and trying to burn the bleeding world down to ashes.

Wish I’d been there to watch.

Getting off track, here.

That day after Joyce…I’ll never forget what you did for me. Granted, I was a burr up everyone’s backside those days, but you still didn’t treat me like I was shit on your shoes. You never did, even when I deserved it.

Can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.

Sorry I socked you in the nose that one time. Looks like it helped, though? Although I can’t say you’d have been any safer if you’d gone skipping back to Republican Town with Daddy Dearest.

Anyway that’s…that’s my two cents I guess. Hope wherever you are…I hope it’s warm and good.

Like you.


	3. Anya

Hello, soul or body of Tara.

I suppose that’s what I’m supposed to say, is it? You’ll have to be patient with me, this isn’t really something I’ve done before.

Huh. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never lost anyone until I came here and became friends with all of you.

You know something, that makes me really damn angry. My life before all of you was so simple. So easy. I never had to think or feel. I just did. And then you came into my lives or I came into yours and then I started losing people.

Joyce.

You.

Xander.

Not that Xander’s dead! You can probably tell that from wherever you are. It’s just that we’re not together anymore. And you know something? Well, something else besides the first something? It still hurts me. It feels like this acid in my throat and I want to send it out of my eyeballs and burn everything.

Kind of like Willow.

She tried to start that Apocalypse. But I’m sure you knew that.  

It was beautiful, you know. Her thirst for revenge, her pain. It was so perfect, so…raw. I guess it must take your kind of love to bring on that kind of need to destroy.

To avenge.

Anyway, I should probably go. I wasn’t even going to come here—not that I don’t like you! Or didn’t, I should say. But…well, I’m out on patrol and there’s been some nasty things around here.

Say hello to Joyce for me, if you see her. And ask her if she still likes fruit punch.


	4. Dawn

Here, I brought you something. It’s really not much, and I promise that I didn’t steal it. I haven’t done anything like that lately. God, I can’t believe how messed up I was back then.

Psh. Back then. Like it was such a goddamn long time ago.

Oops. Sorry. Didn’t mean to swear. 

But I guess swearing is better than acting out in other ways, huh? I feel so stupid sometimes for the way I acted back then. Like, I think that I get it a little bit more now. How hard it’s been for Buffy and for all of you.

It’s just…I’m so tired of never having the same kind of security that everyone else my age has, y’know? They’re all looking up at this glass ceiling that their parents and our teachers tell them they can break through, and they have no idea that they should be looking at the floor, because there’s a bigger chance for the floor to fall out from under them.

That’s all that’s ever happened to me. My parents getting divorced, having to leave L.A. Finding out about Buffy and all this horrible, hideous darkness in the world. Mom dying. And then you…and everything in between.

I used to think that I’d get used to all these things being taken away. I thought that if I could take things that I’d have some kind of control, and look at what that did.

Sorry. Didn’t mean to get depressing.

Willow started…I mean, there’s a bunch of new wannabe slayers at the house and there’s this one. God, Tara, it’s like every time she opens her mouth I just wanna rip her hair out of her scalp.

I want her to keep her bratty, spoiled, filthy hands off of Willow.

But that’s selfish too, isn’t it?

Crap. There’s my alarm.

I’ve gotta get going or I’m going to be late.

I’ll see you tomorrow, kay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm one of probably nine people who likes Dawn, thinks that she had it pretty damn rough, and really dislikes the hate she gets. But then again, I went through a self-destructive phase as a teenager so maybe I just empathize with her.


	5. Xander

I never told you how important you were to me. I’m so damn sorry for that, Tara. I wish that we’d spent a lot more time together, but I guess you were so wrapped up in Wil. Not that I blame you. She’s an easy gal to get wrapped up in.

Ugh, that sounded really immature of me. God, why can’t I ever keep my stupid mouth shut, huh?

Now that I know that there’s a Heaven up there, I’m pretty confident that you’re watching over Wil and the rest of us. And uh, y’know, if you are watching the rest of us, then I just wanna say that that one time with that one video? I swear I don’t fetishize lesbians or anything, but I’m a red-blooded American boy and I haven’t gotten any, and I did it under a tube sock, so you probably didn’t see anything and I’m going to shut up now.

Although, now that I think about it, you never told me to shut up. You never made me feel like I was anything less than any other Scooby. I can’t do dick when it comes to fighting monsters, but I try, and I think you saw that. That was just how great you were, Tara.

So damn kind and always looking out for everyone.

I’ve never known that before, not even with Cordelia or Anya.

They all look me over because I’m just the dude who digs up the information and has to be protected. That’s not an easy thing to cope with when you’re supposed to be the manly man who does man things. Sometimes it still stings, when I see that look in their eyes: keep watch on Xander because he’s vulnerable.

But you never once looked at me like that, and I…y’know. I love you for it, Tara. I swear to God, if I’d been faster…if I’d just gotten the jump on that piece of shit I would have stomped him American History X style, on the curb. If I’d have known that he’d hurt you too, I would have left Buffy. Not just because Wil tried to napalm Sunnydale, but because…because you were an incredible friend and I miss you so damn much.

Sorry. Got something in my eye.

Actually. No. Screw it. I don’t.

This is me, Tara. Alexander Harris, crying in a cemetery. Pretty damn pathetic huh?


	6. Giles

I think they picked the perfect spot for you, Tara. Somewhere close to nature; somewhere that you can see the sky and the sun and feel the breeze. It’s safe, too, not like some of the bloody crypts around here. You’d think after hundreds of years that the parks services would make stronger locks on the mausoleums in this city.

Do you know, when I first met you, I have to confess that I was a little skeptical. Blimey, you’d think that after years of seeing the kind of things young people are capable of that I wouldn’t have made such a ludicrous snap judgment.

Suffice to say that you proved me wrong, but I want you to know that it wasn’t just because your kind of power eclipsed Willow’s.

You tempered it with a kindness that I’ve never experienced in my life. You have no idea how it felt, when someone as world weary as I was at that point, to learn something new. To see something bright in the future. Yes, Buffy and the others are brave and smart, but sometimes…sometimes the things that confound their sense of judgment...it just worried me.

I daresay you saw such things yourself.

When you get to my age—not that I’m as old as all that, really—you start to take stock of regrets. I’ve got many. And to that list I add not being there when you all needed me the most. I ran away, with my tail tucked between my legs. If I’d stayed, if I’d just realized that I could still be present and not be a bolster to Buffy, then I don’t think any of this would have happened.

I could have guided Willow; been firm with Dawn. And you…I could have helped you, I’m sure of it. I’ve had my fair share of relationships, and relationships that have fallen apart. I could have been there for you and Willow.

But that’s all in the past now, isn’t it? And you’re resting now, and I have to say…I really, really wish they’d used the Urn of Osiris on you, and not Buffy. 


	7. Willow

Hey baby.

Oh crap, there’s like, a piece of spider-web on the side. Here, let me just…there we go. No more icky spiders. Remember that one we found in the dorm that day? It was crawling inside your hat and you didn’t know until we got out the door. Campus security thought that someone was being attacked. Like anyone’s going to blame them. That was only a few months after The Gentlemen.

Ugh.

I so do not want to think about that right now. Not that I wouldn’t be able to, like, vaporize whatever tries to get the jump on me today.

It’s been so rough. So hard, baby, and sometimes it feels like I could slip back there again.

I’ve met somebody. You probably know that. It’s just that…well, I don’t really want it to be serious. She’s okay. Just okay. But she’s not you, and she never will be. But she keeps me warm, even though sometimes it’s like being with a colicky baby. I know the others don’t like her at all, which is probably a sign.

I did so many awful things after…after he took you. And for the most part, I feel so bad about that. But there’s one thing I don’t regret.

I don’t regret making him hurt.

I don’t regret taking him for taking you away.

I mean, like, the way I did it was way, way out of line…I guess that was the most understated statement to ever under, huh? But I hated him so much, and I still do and the only satisfaction I get is that he’s burning somewhere.

And you? I know you’re happy where you are, and I’m not going to try and take you away from there. You probably wouldn’t let me anyway, right?

Here. This is kind of a breach of my controlled portions when it comes to the magicky stuff, but I know how much you liked chrysanthemums and…there.

Hopefully the spiders don’t set up shop in it.

And hey, if you, y’know, happen to get the ear of the Powers That Be…can you maybe tell them to like, find someone else for Kennedy? I’m too chicken to call it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate Kennedy. Can you tell?


	8. Buffy

I’m sorry I avoided coming here for so long.

There’s something really wrong with me, Tara. I’ve felt it even before you guys brought me back. Ever since Glory, it’s like there’s something with really sharp claws that scrapes at bits and pieces of who I am.

It affects the others, too, and that kills me. But maybe I deserve it for hiding so many important things from them for so long? I mean, this is only the second time I’ve had conversations with a dead person. Well, besides Spike, but…

Yeah, me and him are…complicated, but not really. It’s different than it was with Angel, y’know? It’s like Spike can see this part of me that I don’t like and he’s cool with it. Maybe that’s a good thing. We’re all made of different parts, both good and bad. Just look at Wil. I was so terrified of her, Tara. So scared that I’d have to…lose another friend.

I’m kind of jealous of you, in a messed up way. I know where you are. Been there, done that, right? You’re probably with your mother, and that’s…that’s a good thing. You deserve that after having to put up with so much of the darkness that we brought to your life.

That I brought into your life…

Oh God. Not the waterworks now. This is supposed to be waterproof mascara, damn it.

I once told you to never forgive me for what I did. And honestly, Tara I…I don’t want you to now. It was my fault. I should have been faster. I should have been smarter. I shouldn’t have walked away. God, I should have known better than to attack Warren’s precious sense of superiority!

I hate this so much. I’m supposed to be this big powerful superhero and all I keep doing is losing people. I can save strangers, and they don’t even know it, but my friends? I lost Miss Calendar, and then Angel; I lost Riley, and then my mother and you and it just keeps happening and happening and it’s like the only thing I can do is just keep them at a distance because it’s safe.

I wish I’d been a better friend to you, Tara. God I wish…I wish you were still here.


	9. Tara

Oh, guys, please don’t cry for me. I’m okay, really. I really am happy where I am. It’s bright and soft and warm. Like a kitty cat, actually. There’s no pain, no fear.

Spike, you have such a beautiful soul. You need to know that. You had it even before you got it. Just do me a solid and remember that it’s what you choose to do that decides who you are as a person. And it’s never too late to honor the past by making a better future.

I’m so sorry for what Xander did to you, Anya. But sweetie, he’s a complicated guy. It’s so hard for him, and he’s got so many demons and we’re always too busy fighting the ones that we can see that we forget about the invisible ones. The ones that attack our ego. Try to be kind to him, okay, honey?

Dawnie. Oh Dawnie. It was like a dream, when we looked after you together. It was like the family I’d always wanted to have. And please don’t take it with you. You were young; you’d had so many trials thrown your way. Who wouldn’t act out? Besides, what you did wasn’t the worst thing a teenager could do. Just ask Faith, if you ever see her again.

Never be ashamed of crying, Xander. The world would be a much better place if more men cried, as far as I’m concerned. You have to stop comparing yourself to everyone around you. You have a bigger heart than you realize, and you have no damn idea how special that makes you. Especially now, when there’s so much hate and darkness billowing over the world.

Giles...when I was growing up, I wished for nothing more than to have the father of my dreams. Actually, when I really got to fantasizing about him, he kind of looked like Cary Grant, but with glasses and an intimate knowledge of Doctor Who. So really, Giles, you were quite honestly the father of my dreams. I’m so grateful for having that, even for just a little while.

Willow…baby, I love you still so much, too. It’s because of that that I’m up where I am. You brought me out, you know that. You made me the best version of me that it was possible to be. The only regret I have is that I didn’t see the pain you were in. I could have been a lifeline. And as for your new girl…hey, I’m only human. Well, I mean, incorporeally at least. Don’t be surprised if she, say…meets someone at a bar and ends up making a mistake.

Of course I’ll forgive you, Buffy. You weren’t the one holding the gun. You never have been. What you do is so great a burden, and I’m certainly not jealous. You need to start thinking of yourself as _a_ slayer, and not _the_ slayer. There’s a world of difference. Besides, you're not the only one who has any regrets. Where I am now, it’s paradise. And we pulled you away from that. I should have said something, spoken up to keep you there.

But things are the way they are now. And if there’s anything I want you all to know, it’s that I couldn’t have asked for a better family.

I love you all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still haven't forgiven Josshole for killing Tara. I think I'd have been more lenient if it hadn't been for the fact that he added Amber Benson to the opening credits the episode where she died, just for the laughs. 
> 
> I pirated The Avengers because I didn't want to risk giving him my money.


End file.
